Friday, December 31, 2010

WHY oh WHY must I wear these pants?

I graduated college in 2006, married in 2006, pregnant 4 days after being married, 2007 had a teeny tiny Rafael Jayson Iaquinta, pregnant 2008, 2009 birthed a happy fat Judah Joseph Lawrence Iaquinta IV, pregnant 2010, 27 November 2010 birthed a dimpled chin Gianni Rocco Iaquinta.

For 4 years I lived in maternity clothes, then sweats, maternity clothes then sweats, then finally maternity clothes.

Now, lets rewind to my life before 2006...Imagine, if you can, a semi-social, fun-loving, young woman who spent her time and money on shopping and clothes AND PEOPLE; up to date on the newest fashions and styles and not afraid to be a risk taker. Confident. YES, this was me. I maaaaay have been (I was) an asshole, but at least I was a happy, confident, asshole.

Today, I am confident in being a wife, in the fact that I LOVE my husband. I am confident in being a mother to my wonderful boys. Oh yes, AND still a total asshole. I, however, have lost the ability to dress, and have developed an anxiety about anything social. Confident? Over-all? Meh. WHAT THE HELL BROTHA? This lack of confidence is a force I MUST reckon with.
My husband once quoted a client by saying, "Dress good, feel good, do good"...now I am not sure about that grammar, so more than likely, that is NOT what my husband said; but, you get the idea.

My new years resolution is to put my big girl pants on, dress like a woman, and hopefully regain confidence. Hopefully, through regaining my confidence I will transform (ahh the imagery of the butterfly, how I love thee) my anxiety into an eagerness to enjoy people again.

Something you may not know: 'Vanessa' means butterfly. Years ago, I took hold of this meaning as the theme of my life. Transformation. I even tattooed this concept of my back; II Corinthians 3:18, "...transformed from glory to glory...such is the influence of the Lord."

Having said this (that phrase is on my pet peeve list), I know dressing will not transform me into who God wants me to be. I do believe it can be an outlet and motivation for me to be a confident woman again. Who knows, I may even go back to church since that is where I left most of my friends.

So, here I go. 2011 WATCH OUT; I come with a vengeance.

3 comments:

Mkokopelli said...

This is awesome. I so wish we were closer! You rock!

The Parkers said...

You go girl! I am going to love watching your journey. AND YES, COME BACK TO CHURCH! We miss you! :)

Karen said...

I AM so proud of you Vanessa! :) I so miss your face! You are awesome and always make me laugh! I hope 2011 is great for you and your "big girl pants"! :)