Sunday, March 20, 2011

Just so you know, it is far more impressive when people discover your good qualities without your help--so I will rant.  Wearing my big girl pants is only slightly easier than tunneling through a mountain with my forehead.  Day after day this past month I wake up wanting to get right back in bed. I am so down on myself! I am constantly thinking things like, well, this day was a total waste of makeup; whatever look I was going for...I missed;  I look like that in style now?  I think I adhere to the 50-50-90 rule.  Anytime there is a 50-50 chance to get something right...90% of the time I get it wrong.  GRRR.  I think it is a combination of lack of sleep, stress, lack of physical activity...not enough time in the tanning bed :) my horrible hair woes, attack of the freckle mustache, crows feet, Diet Dr Pepper induced bloated belly, migraines that make my eyes feel like they are the size of plums yet they are so dry that they are actually prune eyes in my throbbing head, a less than perfectly clean house (which REALLY puts me in a bad mood...I mean REALLY), just EVERYTHING...Ive been in a bad mood for the last 2 months. Some may argue that is has been the last 28 years--I have nasty words for you naysayers: DO NOT TAUNT HAPPY FUN BALL.  Whatever.  Love your enemies, is pisses them off.   I don't think I am depressed...I like to think of depression as merely anger without enthusiasm...I'M TOTALLY ENTHUSIASTIC, especially when I am angry.  Maybe I'm not stressed/tense...I think I may just be terribly, terribly alert.  I need to learn to chill out.  My Mother-in-law taught me to never take myself too seriously...and mock those who do--I added that last part :).  Personally, I think those who never take things too seriously have a distinct advantage over those who do.  That is ironic since I am currently taking myself too seriously and MUST HAVE AN ADVANTAGE OVER ALL PEOPLE  (by the way, RAIN on your wedding day?-NOT IRONIC...unless you are made of sugar).  Oh AND people usually irritate me...but my patience and tolerance for people is next to nothing right now.  I mean really, the best way to get me to ignore you is to begin your sentence with  "you should...".  Ive been going out with friends more often than I have in the past few years (WIN!) and OH MY GOSH the nasties out there!  Sometimes I just want to scream phrases like...are those eye balls?  I just found them ON MY ASS.  It's not just the nasties that are bothering me...people I know (and don't like...oh but don't worry, they like me) I want to say don't walk behind me...I will not lead you.  Don't walk ahead of me I will not follow you.  Don't walk beside me either...leave me alone.  I just have to remind myself, half of the people I know are below average.  This is why some people appear bright...until you hear them speak.  Anyway, I am trying to dress like a woman, feel like a woman...gain some's just been hard lately.  I'm staying on track though...I think I'm on the right track.  If I am on the right track, Ill get run over if I just sit I have to keep putting my pants on.  I love my clothes...I do not love my clothes on me some days.  Ambivalent? Yes and no.  Anyway, I need to keep dressing, keep trying new things, learn what I like, learn to take risks, learn to be confident in what I wear.  I love what I see when I go shopping.  I some how end up spending money on things that are familiar, meek, , gray, navy, blue, gray, navy, black, black, I bruise?  Familiar is fine but I want to step it up a notch.  I just want my clothing to project my personality...not the personality of a homely boring hag.  One should never test the depth of the water with both feet, so maybe it is a good thing I am taking it slowly?  Ahh, excuses excuses...what a little weasel I am.  I am dying to go to the mall again and hear someone whisper my favorite words..."Ill buy it for you."  Hopefully soon.

Oh, another thing-we are car shopping.  We need a used SUV (i refuse to have a minivan AGAIN) with a third row, fairly low miles for around 15000...AN IMPOSSIBLE FIND.  It is crunch time and this car must be found and bought VERY VERY SOON.  So that, along with everything else, is on my mind.  Ughhhh...sometimes you are the bug, sometimes you are the windshield.  

All this being said...I am always reminded of how blessed I am to have a truly wonderful husband and happy healthy children.  I LOVE MY LIFE.  My family is my joy.  I need a boost of confidence and I need to be better-not just for me, for them.  

Here is what I have done so far this week to get back on track:
Tanned my leathery hide
Worked out till my every breath sounded like a hyena laugh
Hung up and semi-organized my clutter ridden, hole in the wall closet
Limited my Diet Dr Pepper consumption :( mope
Drank water till I was grotesquely full..waited...repeated

Tomorrow Jay has the day off.  I am looking forward to a day with my family.  Maybe some wine too? Shopping?  Chocolate? EH?  EHH?

I have a few more giveaways to post...exciting!  Please share these giveaways!  IT IS A CHANCE TO GET SOME GOOD STUFF FOR FREE!  Not to mention, support passionate individuals.  Just do it.  I'm not kidding.  ENTER.  SHARE.  

I didn't get a chance to take a picture of my outfit today :(  I wore a VS thermal baby doll long sleeve navy shirt, AE distressed jeans, TOM's,  and my dearly beloved Forever 21 large faux diamonds.

1 comment:

Anna said...

my house can get me in a bad mood real fast. I want it to be perfect but it just seems impossible...and I only have one little kiddo. :/