I started this blog because I felt as though I needed to be more proactive, assertive, and take control of my self-esteem. My blog is a way for my to be accountable to something other than myself and document my progress.
Lately, I have felt as though my blog was a bit...eh...how do I say this...self-indulgent, self-centered, superficial??? I am posting pictures OF MYSELF (which by the way, just so you know, I HATE), and talking about clothes, make-up, jewelry, fashion DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH GAG GAG GAG VOMIT. I was really starting to feel insecure! Did people think I was full of myself? Is this a misguided effort? I was really bothered that I was starting to feel this way about my blog. Dressing like a woman was really helping me feel confident, be outgoing, and enjoy my femininity. It seemed ridiculous that CLOTHES were making me feel this way. Why was I starting to feel this way about my blog? I was really doubting myself and my efforts. I thought about it, talked about it, researched it, and decided...I NEED TO FOCUS. A goal of doing this blog was to feel better about myself and ease anxiety. I realized, long held anxieties have a way evolving and adapting. I think, these feelings that I am having are new manifestations of old, long held anxieties. Well, self-doubt, you can kiss my tiny tan ass. Socialist Republican political activist, Bernadette Devlin said, "yesterday I dared to struggle, today I dare to win." What I am doing is GOOD. Dressing IS making me feel better about myself. I am not going to let these anxieties get to me; I am going to focus and continue wearing my big girl pants.
Again, I am going to toot my little horn-not for the sake of tooting; in order to make a point. For years, I have lived healthy lifestyle in the areas of diet and exercise. I watch what I eat. I know why I should eat certain things and do. I know why I should NOT eat certain things and refrain from doing so. I am very aware of what I put into my body. I do this because I like my body to work to the best of its ability. I like my hormones to be balanced. I like my skin to glow. I like my hair to be soft. I like my weight. I like feeling energized. I know what good foods can do, and I take advantage of that. I am well informed in the science of food and nutrition. I lift weights three times a week. I run/walk an additional 2-3 day a week. I like being strong. I like having endurance. I like having my mood lifted. I like being disciplined. I ENJOY these things. I take time and effort and put it into these things because I am aware of the importance and benefits; I am aware of what happens if I do not do these things. I understand why diet and exercise are good.
I was confused on why clothes, make up, jewelry, a pretty little apron I wore while making dinner the other night, made me feel good about myself. How could it be good? It seemed so superficial and petty. I knew it was making me feel better about myself, but I also knew how much I outwardly HATED (secretly envied) people who partook in those things. How in the hell could I justify doing this? It seemed so selfish.
In a very real way, dressing like a woman is another form of being healthy. Superficial, yes...because it deals with the surface of things. But more than that, it is taking the time to say 'I am worth the effort'. Self worth is something that I cannot lose BUT I can lose sight of it. I can forget my value. Is it selfish or self-indulgent to dress like a woman? It can be, sure. It can also be very empowering, enlightening, enable me do other things, and set a good example for my family and my children. Is it selfish? I think it is responsible. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." That is what I intend on doing. Dressing like a woman, wearing my big girl pants is just another means of health. I need to be responsible. I need to be the best Vanessa I can be. Jay needs me to be the best wife I can be. My children need to me to be the best Mommy I can be. I NEED to make the most of myself. That is my mission.